Natural Parenting Newsletter Archives
What about socialization?
Do people ask you this question? Do you wonder about it yourself? If your child is not in some kind of preschool/school/daycare program, then it is usually one of the first things that concerns people. Consider homeschooling or unschooling, and you will likely be hounded about it!
"Socialization" is ripe with misunderstandings, some of which are truly damaging and harmful. It is time for a dramatic change in our attitude about socializing children.
Consider this...what does socialization actually mean? To most, a well "socialized" child is quiet, plays "nice", says please and thank you, obediently does what he is told, in other words, is under the control of adults. To be raised this way is harmful to a child's precious sense of himself and his world.
True socialization means being part of a community, giving and receiving, having a sense of belonging and finding one's place. This is an independent process (everyone needs to discover this for themselves) and it is absolutely inborn. Every single healthy human being wants to belong and is naturally social. We have evolved with this biological drive because it is necessary for our survivial. So, to say that children need to be taught this is like saying children need to be taught how to breathe.
Perhaps even more problematic is our understanding of HOW children should learn to be socialized. It is a common assumption that children need to be with groups of other children to become "socialized". This is untrue and, in fact, dangerous. Children cannot learn how best to be part of an adult world from other children. When this is the primary influence, children end up learning more about being violent, manipulative, and disrespectful as they spend their days feeling un-adored and unloved, vying for the attention of the few adults available. This is not necessarily the fault of the adults, but simply a reality in most classrooms and daycares. In most cases, peer interaction is now more of a problem than an asset and the lack of loving adult attention is crippling.
Peer-oriented children (those who lost touch with adults and only want to follow their peers) fail to mature psychologically or integrate into adult society in healthy ways, and the more time children spend alone with groups of other children, the more likely they are to become peer-oriented.
The bottom line is this: children need to spend most of their time with loving and consistent caregivers, preferrably parents. We are the teachers our children most naturally look to and who can most lovingly guide them on their way through the odyssey of their childhood. This is our job. We need to reclaim our responsibility for raising our children. This is the only way to achieve what we all want when we think of "socialization".
Strong bonding with parents, where a child learns that her needs matter and will be consistently met with love, and where a child can witness healthy and compassionate interactions with others is the most vital way to teach a child to be secure in herself and her place in the world.
Children learn everything they need to learn from how we TREAT them and how we ARE in the world.
Parenting consultations available by phone or email.
Lovingly,
NPC team
2007 kris laroche : all rights reserved