emotional intelligence
Feelings are an essential part of being human. That may seem obvious, however, emotions are often undervalued in favour of intellect, particularly when it comes to educating children. When we allow ourselves to experience all of our feelings, completely and without judgment, we live richer, more meaningful lives. We also gain access to critical information to help us make better decisions when we have access to a wide range of feelings. Feelings can guide us towards our natural joy and well-being, if we are willing to listen to them and to value the insights they provide.
Feelings help to connect us with others. Every human being on the planet experiences anger, sadness, joy, frustration, contentment, along with every other possible emotion. Feelings are the universal language and they offer the possibility of connection as we discover common ground with others, no matter what our differences.
Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand another person’s feelings. The intention behind empathy is a willingness to connect with the essence of what another person is feeling and who they are. Every human being has a basic need to be understood, to be connected, to belong. Empathy tells someone that they matter and gives both of us the gift of being present with what is. When we empathize with others, we acknowledge their experience without any judgment or evaluation. It is a way of communicating that helps us see the world from another’s point of view and to fully accept, even embrace, what is in their hearts. This is very fulfilling and rich.
Self-empathy is as important as offering empathy to others. We can learn to pause in any situation and check in with our own feelings, taking time to accept and ‘be with’ whatever we are experiencing. Connecting with ourselves helps us know that we are worthy and loved. If we didn’t receive empathy as children, then learning self-empathy is especially important. It can help to fill the emptiness or lack that we sometimes experience. When we empathize with ourselves, we are better prepared to empathize with others, and to handle challenging interpersonal situations. Creating healthy relationships is easier when we are able to identify, fully experience, and also love and accept our whole selves.
Empathy is a vital component of emotional intelligence (also called emotional intelligence or EQ). The early years of a child’s life are critical for fostering emotional intelligence because healthy EQ establishes a vital foundation that serves them throughout their lives. High EQ is now considered to be equally if not more important than intellectual ability (IQ) in terms of success in jobs, relationships and life satisfaction.
As parents, caregivers and educators, we have a great opportunity, and responsibility, to nurture emotional intelligence in children. Without the ability to feel empathy for another person’s feeling, lasting relationships are impossible. With awareness and practice, these skills can flourish. At surprisingly young ages, children can learn to identify exactly what they are feeling and then to communicate with others about them.
In order to foster emotional intelligence, we must first realize that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ feeling or a feeling that is ‘wrong’. This is critical for us to be aware of.
EVERY FEELING IS ACCEPTABLE AND VALUABLE.
How we express and communicate our feelings is separate from actually feeling them. We can help our children differentiate between these two aspects of emotional intelligence by first helping children identify and to accept all of their feelings. Then, we can help children learn to make conscious choices about how to express their feelings in ways that meet everyone’s needs.
It is essential that we create a sense of emotional safety with our children so that they are willing to share any and all of their feelings with us. In order to do this, we must be accepting and non-judging of whatever it is that they may feel, even if it is different than what we would feel in that situation, or what we want them to feel. Avoid judging (“That’s not nice to feel that way”), critical questioning (“Why do you feel that? It wasn’t a big deal.”), comparing (“Your sister isn’t mad, so you shouldn’t be”), diminishing (“Don’t be silly. You don’t feel that.”), or any other response that doesn’t completely accept a feeling. We will develop a much more connected relationship with children if we offer genuine empathy to them whenever they choose to share their inner world of emotions with us.
Empathy guesses may sound something like this:
Are you feeling ___________ because you (need, want, were hoping, etc)?
It looks like you are feeling ____________ right now. Is that true for you?
Remember, there is no one ‘right’ way to express empathy. What matters is your intention: are you wanting to genuinely connect with your child?
As parents, caregivers and educators, we are the shapers of society. As we nurture children’s connection to their own hearts and to those of others, we contribute to a more humane world. Empathy is the path to a peaceful and sustainable society.
We know that Feeleez will be helpful for fostering empathy with your children. We have seen it ourselves in our own homes. This whole project began with the desire to encourage our own children to learn about their feelings and to connect more deeply with others. We have been astounded by what has transpired as we’ve played with Feeleez.
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"Develop the heart and work for peace within yourself and the world.”
-Dalai Lama